The back story...

Since I can remember I have always been bigger than my peers. I look back at pictures and don’t think I was a particularly large or overweight child but I was always targeted by bullies as ‘the fat kid’. My early teens were probably where my lowest memories reside, senior school can be hellish for many and for me that was no different. I was picked on and tortured by kids from all years, the old rhyme ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me’ couldn’t be more wrong. The words those kids said to me haunt me to this day.

Fatty. Shrek. Ugly. Disgusting. No man will ever love you. Your mum should have aborted you. I hope you kill yourself when you get home tonight.

Groups on social media were made in my name talking about how horridly ugly I was and how they could ruin my life. I had very few friends and those I thought were my friends never really were. I started to take the pain in my mind out on my body, I would pinch myself, cut myself if I could. I started to contemplate suicide. I believed nobody wanted me around, they convinced me I had no future, I thought I was better off dead.

My life got better after moving schools and making new friends, I lost a ton of weight and fitted in but I was never fully happy and never fully comfortable with myself. I was a size 8-10 but could have been any size at that point. I was brainwashed to think I was fat and worthless. Over the years I met guys they came and went, I never thought I was attractive enough to keep a guy therefor I would try too hard and scare every male half interested away.

I went to college to study media makeup, I wanted to do something artistic and I loved creating. I got in to university and moved to Birmingham to start my new life, I lost people over those years, my friends faded away. I went from having a support system of people to being by myself, I felt alone, and I felt like that child at school. Nobody was being nasty to me or calling me fat but I was lonely again. I was lost again. I could feel the pain in my mind beginning to grow and I had to get away.

I graduated and moved north to Leeds and found a job in a hotel, I moved in with my mum and have began working on my future whatever that may be I'm sure there will be plenty to document here on Happiness Hut.