Lets talk about stress baby!

Hello again! (FYI this may be a long one)

It’s been a long time again, I was super excited to get back in to this blog life but as I’m sure everyone can relate to life just got in the way. I felt like this was a good time to update yal on what I’ve been up to because honestly this is a big transition time in my life.

Reflecting on this year so far and the period of time coming up to my 23rd birthday it has been increasingly hard for me to cope with life. I have spoken before at quite some length about my mental health battles over the past couple of years and to be honest when things have gotten really hard I have always been able to leave the situation I am in and start a fresh somewhere else.

Unfortunately I am not in the position to up root my life and start over every time my mental health goes downhill and I can no longer cope with everyday life. I am very blessed in so many aspects and I know that. I have a stable job, a supportive family, two wonderful brothers and some other exciting things I want to save to tell you about soon hopefully. Even though all these things are in my life I can’t help but be in a really bad place mentally.

There are many contributing factors that have led to the situation I have found myself in currently. The first is the guilt I feel not being around my brothers, dad and step mum as much as I’d like. I can’t help but feel that I am missing out on large portions of their lives and watching my brothers grow up and develop due to financial restraints and distance. I put a lot of pressure on myself and I often feel like i'm failing as a sister.

I have spoken in the past about my mum’s boyfriend, he was a large contributing factor to me moving from Leeds back to Wiltshire and has been a large part of my mental health issues over the past two years.

My mum’s boyfriend is a very abusive man and an alcoholic. Myself and my mum have managed to stay strong and continue to have a great relationship but as I’m sure anyone that is close with their mum can relate to, I have an intense and overwhelming sense of protectiveness over my her and being in a position where I can’t protect her from someone so disgusting and dangerous is scary. It has consumed me for a long time as well as other members of my family. We can now see the light at the end of the tunnel but the stress has taken over my brain and is ruling right now.

On top of all that, day to day running of life and money is stressful and hard for everyone and although most of the things I have going on are pretty exciting it is also super scary. It’s something I have never done before in my life. I won’t go in to specifics but it is incredibly hard and money dependent. I think it’s probably the scariest thing I have ever done in my life and is the biggest commitment I have ever made! STRESSFUL!

At the moment my battle is with stress, which is exactly why I am writing this. It sounds like something trivial and let’s face it everyone has stress in their lives. I don’t want to downgrade anyone else’s stresses but mine have become consuming and overwhelming. I wake up tired, I loose concentration, and I have a lack of control over my emotions. My mind races over every bad scenario that might happen and I have just withdrawn in to myself. I started having physical symptoms too such as, nausea, missing periods, fatigue and I have anxiety/panic attacks at least 3-4 times a week (and no I am NOT pregnant).

The stress became overwhelming to the point where I struggled to just get out of bed in the morning and go to work and decided to seek help. I’ve always been very open and talked to my friends and family about my mental health issues when I’ve been struggling but at this point I knew I needed to see a professional so i got the first appointment I could with my GP.

NGL I broke down, it was kind of comical, my doctor simply asked me why I was there and I just started crying. She was so lovely, she smiled passed me a tissue and asked me if I was having a hard time, she listened while I rambled on about the different reasons I was feeling the way I was, she asked me what I do to relax and what steps I do to make myself feel better. The doctor made suggestions on what I could do to combat the stress and also decided to sign me off for a week with exhaustion.

I was rather nervous about this because I am someone who takes on responsibility when it is totally un-necessary. I am in a position where I have little to no responsibility in my current job role, yet I take it on because I have a heavy conscious and put an overbearing sense of pressure on myself to do the absolute most. I have to ensure everything and anything is completed and I have helped everyone when I could dial it back ten notches and it would be satisfactory.

So yeah it has been a week since I got signed off and I am feeling a little better, although I am writing this at 2am so maybe I should be resting more? I am taking a couple more days to continue to de-stress, start trying to do some exercise and set myself some small achievable goals.

I don’t know why but I wanted to share this little insight in to what I have been up to and how things have gone a bit tits up lately and as It was world mental health awareness week last week which just so happened to fit in perfectly with my mental breakdown!

But honestly if you need help there are so many helpful websites and helplines you can contact and if you ever need a chat then feel free to slide in to my DMs. It feels so good to share and speak to others that are going through similar issues but also don’t be afraid to speak to your GP and if they aren’t giving you what you want then ask for it.

Thank you so much for reading, if you know someone who might benefit or relate to this please send it on or share it!

Leah xoxo